The Worst Mayonnaise Disaster in Our Nation’s History

Grease Tragedy in Missouri as 40,000 pounds of mayonnaise spilled out and slathered all over the interstate in the worst mayonnaise disaster in our nation’s history.  No one was injured in the accident though if anyone had been they likely would have been taken to the Mayo Clinic for treatment.  Authorities closed down eastbound lanes of traffic for several hours so that work crews could clean up the mayonnaise slick.
This latest incident surpasses last year’s mayonnaise disaster when 400-500 jars of mayonnaise spilled out onto a Kansas highway, and last September’s mayonnaise spill in Japan that caused an eight car pileup combined.

These are only your everyday run-of-the-mill mayonnaise accidents, mind you. One of the worst acts of mayonnaise terrorism in recent history happened just last summer when Joy L. Cassidy of Boise, Idaho, went on an condiment crime spree. The 74-year-old mayonnaise extremist poured mayonnaise in the Ada County library’s book drop box on at least a dozen different occasions between May 2009 and July 2010.

So, how can future mayonnaise disasters be prevented?  If we look to history the answer is obvious: We must place blame and subsequently invade something.  But what?

Holland has the largest mayonnaise reserves in the world. The price of mayonnaise has already soared above one hundred dollars a barrel. Within hours we’ll start to see this increase reflected in the cost of everyday necessities like potato salad, ranch dressing, lubricant, and building insulation. Mayonnaise is key to America’s prosperity and continued longevity. We need mayonnaise. Of course we’ll have to come up with an invasion justification other than mayonnaise if we want the public’s support. I can already hear the those liberal hippie protesters chanting, “No blood for mayonnaise! No blood for mayonnaise!”

Mayonnaise Disaster Survival Tips
If you’re submerged in mayonnaise, don’t panic.  Mayonnaise can taste your fear.  It’s not easy to emerge from mayonnaise, most likely you’re going to be absorbed and become one with the mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is not so different from a Non-Newtonian fluid like colloid hydrogel (quicksand), it’s high viscosity is relentless, suffocating; it’s suction greedy, unforgiving. The only way to escape is to eat — or rather slurp — your way out. And as far as screaming goes, that’s merely an exercise in futility.  

In mayonnaise no one can hear you scream.

2 Comments

  1. Lauren says:

    Wow. I did not expect any of those links to go actual, real articles. This country needs to get its mayonnaise under control.

    Also, officially adding “she failed to appear at a court hearing on charges stemming from her condiment-centric June vandalism arrest” to the list of things I can proudly say that no one has ever been able to write about me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *