Bill O’Reilly: Gay People Like Mayonnaise

Finally! My two favorite things in the whole world have come together: Bill O’Reilly and mayonnaise. Well, not really. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am really into mayonnaise, but I’m not that into Bill O’Reilly. He’s not very good between two pieces of bread. I prefer turkey, not bologna! But for once I did actually find some amusement in Bill O’Reilly.

The amusement comes in the form of O’Reilly’s phony outrage and confusion over a Heinz mayonnaise commercial airing in Great Britain only. In the commercial, two men share a kiss, thus making them evil mayonnaise-pushing homosexuals. It’s the “gay thing” that confuses O’Reilly. He thinks the underlying subtext is not about mayonnaise but rather about tolerance and gender blending:

So why are they doing that? Why — it was… It was obviously a gay thing. Now I don’t know what the message is, other than gay people like mayonnaise… I’m confused. This whole gender blending thing. It’s confusing to me… I just want mayonnaise. I don’t want guys kissing.

You’ve got to watch the video. O’Reilly is the only one who seems “outraged” by the commercial. Everyone else is just enjoying a good laugh…at O’Reilly’s expense.

My favorite part: “This is not a gay issue. It’s a mayonnaise issue.” Priceless!

Bill should have known that you can’t talk about mayonnaise for too long before you start to find the situation utterly absurd–and delicious!–which is exactly what happened. And what was with the obscure Wile E. Coyote reference? What point was that guy trying to make?

Now every time Bill O’Reilly slathers mayonnaise on a sandwich he’s going to think of the gays making the sex–doing it live!

When reached for comment, Ketchup wouldn’t respond on the issue, even after pressing him hard and turning him upside down. But after a few minutes at the right angle, he spilled everything.

Mustard didn’t immediately return phone calls, some sources have alluded to the possibility of a crusty clog in the tip. Critics have harshly accused Mustard of being yellow in the past.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *