What’s that sound? Mayonnaise!

Q: Why would this seemingly normal family slather mayonnaise all over their heads?
A: Head Lice!

Mayonnaise is a safer (and healthier) alternative to standard lice treatments that contain chemicals and poisons. With mayonnaise, there’s no reason to rub toxic pesticides all over your child’s heads. Plus, there’s an added bonus: Mayonnaise is good for your hair, so when the mayonnaise treatment is all over, your child’s hair will be sleek and shiny and soft.

How does it work?

Mayonnaise suffocates the living head lice. However, mayonnaise does not take care of the unhatched lice safe in their nits (eggs), which get attached to human hair. As a natural lubricant, mayonnaise makes the process of combing out the nits easy. After eradicating the live lice with mayonnaise, comb out the nits with a lice comb. This “nit-picking” is crucial to prevent the remaining lice and nits from reproducing, otherwise the nits will hatch in a matter of days and you’ll have another full-on head lice invasion.

Now, some researchers contend that mayonnaise won’t actually kill head lice, but rather only stun the parasites for a few hours, leaving them dormant due to lack of oxygen, thus appearing to be dead. But don’t rule out mayonnaise just yet. Mayonnaise treatment still makes the live lice much easier to comb out (and it’s still a much safer alternative). Either way, the combing-out process is crucial to completely rid your child’s head of those pesky, blood-thirsty parasites.

Of course, this process can involve a LOT of mayonnaise, depending on how long and thick the hair is, so make sure you always have plenty of mayonnaise in stock. And for goodness’ sake, please make sure your child can contain their desire to eat the mayonnaise in their hair. Mayonnaise will turn rancid after a few hours, and once it’s rancid, the mayonnaise itself is not safe to consume!

For more information about treating head lice with mayonnaise, check out the Fisher-Price website.

The Worst Mayonnaise Disaster in Our Nation’s History

Grease Tragedy in Missouri as 40,000 pounds of mayonnaise spilled out and slathered all over the interstate in the worst mayonnaise disaster in our nation’s history.  No one was injured in the accident though if anyone had been they likely would have been taken to the Mayo Clinic for treatment.  Authorities closed down eastbound lanes of traffic for several hours so that work crews could clean up the mayonnaise slick.
This latest incident surpasses last year’s mayonnaise disaster when 400-500 jars of mayonnaise spilled out onto a Kansas highway, and last September’s mayonnaise spill in Japan that caused an eight car pileup combined.

These are only your everyday run-of-the-mill mayonnaise accidents, mind you. One of the worst acts of mayonnaise terrorism in recent history happened just last summer when Joy L. Cassidy of Boise, Idaho, went on an condiment crime spree. The 74-year-old mayonnaise extremist poured mayonnaise in the Ada County library’s book drop box on at least a dozen different occasions between May 2009 and July 2010.

So, how can future mayonnaise disasters be prevented?  If we look to history the answer is obvious: We must place blame and subsequently invade something.  But what?

Holland has the largest mayonnaise reserves in the world. The price of mayonnaise has already soared above one hundred dollars a barrel. Within hours we’ll start to see this increase reflected in the cost of everyday necessities like potato salad, ranch dressing, lubricant, and building insulation. Mayonnaise is key to America’s prosperity and continued longevity. We need mayonnaise. Of course we’ll have to come up with an invasion justification other than mayonnaise if we want the public’s support. I can already hear the those liberal hippie protesters chanting, “No blood for mayonnaise! No blood for mayonnaise!”

Mayonnaise Disaster Survival Tips
If you’re submerged in mayonnaise, don’t panic.  Mayonnaise can taste your fear.  It’s not easy to emerge from mayonnaise, most likely you’re going to be absorbed and become one with the mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is not so different from a Non-Newtonian fluid like colloid hydrogel (quicksand), it’s high viscosity is relentless, suffocating; it’s suction greedy, unforgiving. The only way to escape is to eat — or rather slurp — your way out. And as far as screaming goes, that’s merely an exercise in futility.  

In mayonnaise no one can hear you scream.

Lemon Party

Dear Grandpa Wiggly,

Have you ever been to a Lemon Party?

Sincerely,
Chuck

Unfortunately, dear Chuck, I have been to a Lemon Party, but it was nothing like I expected.

I didn’t know what a Lemon Party was and to be honest, I’m still not sure. Details of the evening are spotty at best. I thought it was going to be like a Tea Party (the non-crazy kind), of which I’ve attended many. I thought we were going to be making lemonade. I even called first squeeze! But no lemons were squeezed that day, my friends. I must have looked pretty silly when I showed up carrying that sad sack of freshly-picked lemons.

I should have known there was something amiss when the gracious host offered me a spot of tea without first putting water on to boil.

“Care for a hot tea bag, Wiggly?” he said.

“Oh, yes, that would certainly hit the spot,” I said.

“How do you take it? One lump or two?”

“Two with just a drizzle of cream.”

It was more than a drizzle. A deluge is not a drizzle! Where did this brute learn his tea etiquette anyway? I doubt he even owns a tea kettle!

Let me tell you, that was the last time I’ll ever attend a Lemon Party with those overly eager and rude gentlemen. When it came time to play games — bizarre games I’ve never heard of before — they were rather selfish and couldn’t even wait their turns. I don’t care how many hard sixes in a row you roll, where I come from the guest always shoots first.

Naturally, I didn’t stick around for their followup game of craps. Hard six, my tuckus!

That whole evening left a sour taste in my mouth that took me weeks of gargling and brushing with mayonnaise to rid. I guess that’s why they call it a Lemon Party.

Erotic Mayonnaise

I don’t normally post pornography here but I’m going to make an exception just this once. After all, mayonnaise is involved, and when mayonnaise is involved sexually, it’s perfectly natural.

Ahh, to be young again. I remember the first time I saw a jar of mayonnaise just sitting there, waiting to be snatched and opened up. It was at the Piggly Wiggly. And I was buy-curious.

Last Night’s Dinner (Supper)

Hello, world! Grandpa Wiggly here with more of your correspondence. Today’s letter asks one of Grandpa Wiggly’s favorite questions in the whole wide world:

Dear Grandpa Wiggly,

What did you have for dinner last night? I had pizza and a few beers.

— Josh

Well, grandchildren Josh, first things first: Beer is not a good thing to have for dinner. In fact, drinking in general can be very dangerous if you’re not careful. It can lead to accidents or even marriage (eek! 🙂 and you don’t want that. You’re also at a higher risk of going off on a drunken tirade. Casual drinking can still be fun. Just don’t drink and drive. Ever! If you need a ride, call your Grandpa Wiggly.

You must have known that I love talking about my last night’s supper. I assume you mean supper, because Grandpa Wiggly considers dinner to be what most people call lunch. My supper is what you probably call dinner. Even though you asked about dinner, which is lunch to me but supper to you, your clearly initiated inquiry indicated a meal consumed “last night.”

Many years ago, my ill-tempered, one-armed wife, Effie, or as some of the mean kids on the block call her, Grandma Nub, instituted an executive marriage dinner decision by eliminating the light midday meal known as lunch all together, and instead began cooking a heartier (and heavier) dinner. We usually eat dinner between 10 and 11 in the morning, followed by a short walk, and then a refreshing afternoon nap. That’s when Effie watches her stories. Such rubbish!

Regardless of all that, I had the same thing for supper last night as I did for dinner, which is lunch to you. Are you with me, Josh? Okie dokie!

Part of what fuels Grandpa Wiggly is what goes into Grandpa Wiggly, and what goes into Grandpa Wiggly comes out of Grandpa Wiggly. Effie didn’t cook any supper last night so I had my two favorite foods: corn niblets and wet bread. As you probably know, Grandpa Wiggly no longer has his original teeth. “You’re all gums,” Effie says. That’s just what happens when you get old. You start to lose things like teeth, hair, pants, and even your… um… I forgot. What was Grandpa Wiggly going on about again?

Haha! I’m just joshing you!

So, Internet, do you eat dinner or supper? What did you have for supper (or dinner) last night?