Mayonnaise 911

Fellow redditor tsulahmi sent me this message regarding his mayonnaise:

Yesterday I attempted to make the mayonnaise you had discussed on your AmA thread, unfortunately it was not a success. It never thickened while I was making it and was a yellow color much darker than any mayo I have ever seen. I was hoping it would thicken in the fridge, but alas, all of the ingredients separated (oil on top, spices on the bottom, misc in the middle). I whisked it for quite a while (it took about a 1/2 hour to make) and even used an electric egg beater at one point hoping it would speed up the process. All of the ingredients were at room temperature when i started except for the eggs which were a little cook and the lard was cold (it had come out of the freezer about an hour beforehand).

Chances are he didn’t do anything wrong. Making perfect mayonnaise takes time and skill, and a whole lot of patience. My first failed attempt at making mayonnaise is legendary (just ask my wife). It took me several attempts to get it just right. Also keep in mind that the weather can have a lot to do with how your mayonnaise turns out. If it’s a rainy, humid day, mayonnaise can be just as stubborn as your hair. You always want to make your mayonnaise in a cool, dry place if possible.

Here are some pointers:

• For maximum mayonnaise making success, always start with room temperature ingredients.
• Beat your egg yolks separately until they are thick and appear sticky. Your oil is more easily emulsified that way.
• Add your oil very slowly, just a few drops at a time, beating well between each addition to avoid overwhelming the yolk and curdling the mixture. When the mixture starts resembling thick cream, the oil can be more easily absorbed by the egg yolks.
• Do not exceed half a cup of oil per egg yolk, at least initially. The chances of ruining your mayo increases with higher proportions of oil versus water (egg yolks are half water), and who wants to risk such a failure when you are just starting out?
• If you plan on using an electric mixer to make mayonnaise, beat your egg yolks with salt and lemon juice on low until the mixture is thick and sticky. Gradually add your oil, beating continuously on medium speed.

Eaglstun’s Mayonnaise

Twitter user @eaglstun and fellow redditor tweeted this picture of homemade mayonnaise (and ketchup — boring!) slathered all over delicious handmade cheeseburgers. It took him a few attempts to get it right, as it often does, but he got the hang of it. Soon he’ll be making mayonnaise in his sleep! Just look at this mouth-watering mayonnaise….

It’s amayonnazing!

Have you tried making your own Wiggly Mayonnaise at home yet? Email Grandpa Wiggly pictures of your mayonnaise or share them on Twitter (hashtags: #wiggly and #mayonnaise).

Mayonnaise Investigates

Effie woke me up to investigate a noise she claims she heard coming from outside. Said noise was described as: “A series of random claps followed by a loud clang.” I peeked out the bedroom window but did not find any marching band trespassers. I told her it was nothing and to go back to bed. Unsatisfied, she added, “Probably prowlers from the internet! This is all your fault for telling them where we live!”

“I did no such thing,” I said.

“Well then the internet told them!”

Upon further insistence, I went out into the living room to get a better view of the backyard. As usual, Mayonnaise was way ahead of me. Effie may be the Great Cat Detective, but Mayonnaise is the Great Cat Detective.

“See, there must be something out there if fatty got up to check,” said Effie. I snapped a few quick pictures of Mayonnaise perched on the back of the love seat. “Don’t take pictures! Go see what it is.” I donned my robe and slippers and headed outside with the camera. Effie locked the door behind me. “Just in case.”

Outside it was completely dark, Effie didn’t want the floodlights to spook whatever it was. I couldn’t see anything. I moved a few feet over knowing the motion censor lights would detect my presence. The lights came on and spooked the trespasser. I heard a calamity and saw a black object run from the side of the house — a black cat.

“What is it?”

“It’s just a cat.”

“Bring it inside.”

I snapped this picture just as it jumped the fence. We’ll be seeing him again.

Back inside Effie debriefed me and shared her own deductions: “I think it’s obvious your sweet little Mayonnaise has been secretly consorting with mischievous black beasts in the night that have been God knows where. This is going on her permanent record.”