Butter Luck Next Time

Help me, Grandpa Wiggly!

I was trying on my girlfriend’s engagement right before i pop “the question” and now it’s completely stuck. She gets back in 30 minutes and I don’t think I can hide my hand from her all night (I’ve tried butter).

My, my, what a predicament. You can never rely on butter for anything. You butter believe it!

Have you tried mayonnaise yet? Mayonnaise should have been the first thing you tried. Nothing is slipperier than mayonnaise! I got my finger stuck in my ill-tempered, one-armed wife’s once and had to slather it up with great gobs of mayonnaise to get it out before she woke up.

Lube it up real well with a lot of mayonnaise (at least half a gallon) and let the mayonnaise ooze and absorb into your phalanges and pores for a few minutes. That ring should slide right off. But for goodness sake don’t lick up all the mayonnaise until it does! Resist the urge and mayonnaise shall be your reward.


It Came From Mayonnaise

Dear Grandpa Wiggly,

Should mayonnaise be refrigerated? My family never refrigerated mayonnaise when I was growing up and nothing bad ever happened. My girlfriend says that’s gross and dangerous. But she hates mayonnaise. What happens if you don’t refrigerate mayonnaise?

Yes! For the love of God and mayonnaise, yes! Inexplicable things can happen if don’t refrigerate mayonnaise. Terrible things have been known to come from improperly handled mayonnaise, especially if mayonnaise is left out, unrefrigerated, or God forbid in the sun! You must always always refrigerate mayonnaise. Here’s why:

Sometime in the late spring or early summer of 1967, Donald Eugene Hogan of Harris County, Texas, and his wife Virgie Mae drove to the nearby town of Mexia to dine at the air-conditioned eatery Jim’s Krispy Fried Chicken. The couple had been having marital problems over their inability to conceive a child; they hardly spoke a word to each other the whole time they were there. According to their waitress, a chain-smoking woman with bright orange hair called Flo, Mrs. Hogan requested mayonnaise for her fried chicken. But when Flo went searching the cooler for the mayonnaise, there was no mayonnaise to be found!

Flo searched high and low for the missing mayonnaise. She eventually discovered the 55-gallon drum of mayonnaise (everything’s bigger in Texas) had been stowed in an over-sized cupboard at Texas room temperature (84°F). Knowing she couldn’t rightfully serve the likely rancid and possibly lethal mayonnaise, Flo broke the news to Mrs. Hogan that there would be no mayonnaise for her that day. The Hogans left in an uproar (and no tip), vowing never to return. Flo, who conveniently always had a bad back whenever manual labor was involved, cajoled some Mexican called Manuel to roll the 55-gallon drum of mayonnaise out back behind the restaurant with the false promise of a “hot lunch on me.” Sadly, for poor, hungry, lonely Manuel, they were out of plastic cling wrap. The forgotten mayonnaise was left to incubate under the hot Texas sun, never to be spoken of again.

Some time later — Tuesday, November 28, 1967, to be exact — the Hogans were driving back from a fertility doctor’s disappointment when their Chevy broke down on U.S. Route 84 just outside Mexia. They walked to the nearest business establishment to call for roadside assistance, which, unluckily for the Hogans, was Jim’s Krispy Fried Chicken. Flo (“I never forget a face”) remembered the couple and informed them that the telephone was for “paying — and tipping! — customers only.” The Hogans sat down at a greasy double-wide booth, ordered a bucket of chicken skins and mayonnaise, and then were allowed to use the phone. After they ate and tipped Flo generously, Mr. Hogan walked back to the broken down Chevy, alone, while Mrs. Hogan stayed behind for a slice of apple pie and mayonnaise and a secret cigarette that she bummed from Flo for two bits.

Mrs. Hogan was smoking her secret secondhand cigarette out back when she heard something like a gurgle. She ignored it at first, but the gurgling gurgled louder and was soon accompanied by a soft hollow clanging. It was coming from the drum of forgotten mayonnaise. There was something inside.

Mrs. Hogan pried the mayonnaise drum open; a moist miasma of mold and mayonnaise misted into the open air, pummeled her face, offended her nose. She staggered back; something was rising out of the mayonnaise drum: a gelatinous glob of translucent mayonnaise bubbled above the brim and burst. Then came the sound of a crying baby. Mrs. Hogan peered into the mayonnaise drum. Inside, blanketed with warm layers of congealed mayonnaise, lay a healthy roly-poly mayonnaise baby. It was a girl.

Around dusk, Mr. Hogan pulled up in the Chevy. He embraced his wife and kissed his newborn mayonnaise cherub on her oily soft head. He didn’t ask any questions. It was indeed a gift from God. The Good Lord — not science — had finally answered their prayers with a miracle mayonnaise baby of their own. They named her Vickie Lynn Hogan.

The new family drove off into the night under a smiling crescent moon. And they lived happily ever after… until they divorced two years later.

Empire Mayonnaise

Empire Mayonnaise specializes in exotic quality flavored mayonnaise.

Founded in 2011 by chef Sam Mason and designer Elizabeth Valleau, Empire Mayonnaise creates mayonnaise with exotic flavors and formulations. We use natural and organic local eggs and flavors whenever possible, but our primary goal is to make the best tasting and most interesting mayonnaise possible so we do source ingredients from all over the world.

Update: Empire Mayonnaise went out of business in 2016. Big Mayonnaise strikes again!

What’s that sound? Mayonnaise!

Q: Why would this seemingly normal family slather mayonnaise all over their heads?
A: Head Lice!

Mayonnaise is a safer (and healthier) alternative to standard lice treatments that contain chemicals and poisons. With mayonnaise, there’s no reason to rub toxic pesticides all over your child’s heads. Plus, there’s an added bonus: Mayonnaise is good for your hair, so when the mayonnaise treatment is all over, your child’s hair will be sleek and shiny and soft.

How does it work?

Mayonnaise suffocates the living head lice. However, mayonnaise does not take care of the unhatched lice safe in their nits (eggs), which get attached to human hair. As a natural lubricant, mayonnaise makes the process of combing out the nits easy. After eradicating the live lice with mayonnaise, comb out the nits with a lice comb. This “nit-picking” is crucial to prevent the remaining lice and nits from reproducing, otherwise the nits will hatch in a matter of days and you’ll have another full-on head lice invasion.

Now, some researchers contend that mayonnaise won’t actually kill head lice, but rather only stun the parasites for a few hours, leaving them dormant due to lack of oxygen, thus appearing to be dead. But don’t rule out mayonnaise just yet. Mayonnaise treatment still makes the live lice much easier to comb out (and it’s still a much safer alternative). Either way, the combing-out process is crucial to completely rid your child’s head of those pesky, blood-thirsty parasites.

Of course, this process can involve a LOT of mayonnaise, depending on how long and thick the hair is, so make sure you always have plenty of mayonnaise in stock. And for goodness’ sake, please make sure your child can contain their desire to eat the mayonnaise in their hair. Mayonnaise will turn rancid after a few hours, and once it’s rancid, the mayonnaise itself is not safe to consume!

For more information about treating head lice with mayonnaise, check out Lifehacker and Healthline.