This Week in Mayonnaise History: Heinz Cadbury Creme Mayonegg

In 2019, an unlikely union of collaboration between confectioner and condiment conglomerate when Heinz Mayonnaise and Cadbury Creme Eggs unleashed the Creme Egg Mayo unto the world. It was never resurrected.

A brave reporter for Mashable tried the Creme Mayonegg and didn’t vomit!

Miracle Whiplash

There are many reasons for putting mayonnaise in a syringe, they do it all the time at the Mayo Clinic, but putting a syringe in mayonnaise is not just unsafe, it’s plain cuckoo. Thankfully, that’s not exactly what happened, though you wouldn’t know that if you get your news from WLNS in Lansing, Michigan. See if you can spot the great injustice…

Michigan police investigate syringe found in mayonnaise:

On Monday evening a woman bought a jar of Miracle Whip mayonnaise at the Dollar General in Brooklyn and then removed the seal before placing it in the fridge. Later her husband found a syringe pushed down into the middle of the jar.

I don’t know how many times I have to say this but… Miracle Whip IS NOT MAYONNAISE!

To call that vile sour salad cream condiment abomination mayonnaise is an insult to mayonnaises everywhere. Miracle Whip is a sauce condiment that was developed by the Kraft Conglomerate as a less expensive, and much less delicious, alternative to mayonnaise in 1933.

The headline should not even invoke the name mayonnaise! This is a total smear campaign! Here is the correction I sent to WLNS in Lansing.

Where Mayonnaise Gets Its Name

Don’t you wonder whose great idea it was to go and whip together eggs and vinegar?

Mayonnaise was a marvelous accident, losmonos.

In 1756, during the siege of Mahon, the capital of Minorca, one of the Balearic Islands located in the Mediterranean Sea belonging to Spain, there was a food supply shortage. The chef of Duke de Richelieu in France thought of whipping eggs and oil together without adding any seasoning. The delicious dressing was served to a dinner party hosted by Duke de Richelieu.

Mayonnaise gets its name after a battle was won against the British in Port Mahon. The word Mayonnaise was named after Mahon.

Bill O’Reilly vs. Gayonnaise!

Finally! My two favorite things in the whole world have come together: Bill O’Reilly and mayonnaise. Well, not really. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am really into mayonnaise, but I’m not that into Bill O’Reilly. He’s not very good between two pieces of bread. I prefer turkey, not bologna! But for once I did actually find some amusement in Bill O’Reilly.

The amusement comes in the form of O’Reilly’s phony outrage and confusion over a Heinz mayonnaise commercial airing in Great Britain only. In the commercial, two men share a kiss, thus making them evil mayonnaise-pushing homosexuals. It’s the “gay thing” that confuses O’Reilly. He thinks the underlying subtext is not about mayonnaise but rather about tolerance and gender blending:

So why are they doing that? Why — it was… It was obviously a gay thing. Now I don’t know what the message is, other than gay people like mayonnaise… I’m confused. This whole gender blending thing. It’s confusing to me… I just want mayonnaise. I don’t want guys kissing.

You’ve got to watch the video. O’Reilly is the only one who seems “outraged” by the commercial. Everyone else is just enjoying a good laugh…at O’Reilly’s expense.

My favorite part: “This is not a gay issue. It’s a mayonnaise issue.” Priceless!

Bill should have known that you can’t talk about mayonnaise for too long before you start to find the situation utterly absurd–and delicious!–which is exactly what happened. And what was with the obscure Wile E. Coyote reference? What point was that guy trying to make? Whatever it is, he can’t do.

Now every time Bill O’Reilly slathers mayonnaise on a sandwich he’s going to think of the gays making the sex–doing it live!

When reached for comment, Ketchup wouldn’t respond on the issue, even after pressing him hard and turning him upside down. But after a few minutes at the right angle, he spilled everything. Caught red handed.

Mustard didn’t immediately return phone calls, some sources have alluded to the possibility of a crusty clog in the tip. Critics have harshly accused Mustard of being yellow in the past.

Play us out, Bill!