This Week in Mayonnaise History: Heinz Cadbury Creme Mayonegg

In 2019, an unlikely union of collaboration between confectioner and condiment conglomerate when Heinz Mayonnaise and Cadbury Creme Eggs unleashed the Creme Egg Mayo unto the world. It was never resurrected.

A brave reporter for Mashable tried the Creme Mayonegg and didn’t vomit!

Miracle Whiplash

There are many reasons for putting mayonnaise in a syringe, they do it all the time at the Mayo Clinic, but putting a syringe in mayonnaise is not just unsafe, it’s plain cuckoo. Thankfully, that’s not exactly what happened, though you wouldn’t know that if you get your news from WLNS in Lansing, Michigan. See if you can spot the great injustice…

Michigan police investigate syringe found in mayonnaise:

On Monday evening a woman bought a jar of Miracle Whip mayonnaise at the Dollar General in Brooklyn and then removed the seal before placing it in the fridge. Later her husband found a syringe pushed down into the middle of the jar.

I don’t know how many times I have to say this but… Miracle Whip IS NOT MAYONNAISE!

To call that vile sour salad cream condiment abomination mayonnaise is an insult to mayonnaises everywhere. Miracle Whip is a sauce condiment that was developed by the Kraft Conglomerate as a less expensive, and much less delicious, alternative to mayonnaise in 1933.

The headline should not even invoke the name mayonnaise! This is a total smear campaign! Here is the correction I sent to WLNS in Lansing.

Neko Atsume

You can live to be as old as I am and still scratch your head at some of the strange things women do. I guess that goes both ways! Effie has been obsessed with some video game on her iPhone called Neko Atsume (“Kitty Collector”) in which the player has to—get this—collect cats! I guess she has collected as many cats as she can in the real world (for now) that she had to graduate to collecting digi-cats.

She’s hooked! This game is like catnip! I feel like t’s just going to make her want to bring more cats into our furry friendly home. All she does is comment on the cuteness of the cat characters. They’re too twee! We could use a cat-prieve! I’ve lost count of how may there are in this room alone.

Will a gay protagonist alienate straight readers?

Dear Grandpa Wiggly,

You used to be a schoolteacher and you’re a really good writer, so I was hoping you could help me out here. I’m writing a novel with a protagonist who I just realized is kinda gay. But I’m wondering if people will still want to read it. Will having a gay protagonist alienate straight readers?

Lord knows I’ve encountered this problem before! I’m always asking Effie if readers will read my stories if the protagonist is mayonnaise. She says no. I say, mayo!

The more important question here is, should you care if you alienate straight readers? If readers aren’t going to read your book because your protagonist is a homosexual, then you’re better off without them! This is the 21st. century. You can have a gay protagonist just like I can have a mayonnaise protagonist.

“Wands out, Harry!”

Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I don’t recall him ever alienating readers, in fact, he’s one of the most beloved characters in the Harry Potter series.

Dumbledore’s sexual orientation is ambiguous and never directly addressed in the books. J. K. Rowling doesn’t bash us over the head with it. I think most people never picked up it (despite his robes and all that “wands out” business) until Rowling was asked if Dumbledore had ever been in love after the last book came out. (I only made the connection when reading the letters Dumbledore wrote to Grindelwald in the last book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Those are more incriminating than my secret love letters to mayonnaise!)

There is a difference between a gay protagonist and a protagonist who just so happens to be gay. The thing to remember is not to announce it to your readers. This is the difference between showing and telling. Show that your character is gay (but don’t over-show it) and don’t restrict his or her identity to sexual orientation.

Depending on how pertinent your protagonist’s sexuality is to the story, some readers will pick up on it, others will not. If you can, avoid using label words like “gay” entirely (think of the film 28 Days Later, does anyone ever say “zombie?”) That’s like trying to write a story about vampires without ever using the word “vampire.” This will strengthen your writing.

Best of luck with your novel.

Write. Every. Day.