Misadventures in Mayonnaise
In 2019, an unlikely union of collaboration between confectioner and condiment conglomerate when Heinz Mayonnaise and Cadbury Creme Eggs unleashed the Creme Egg Mayo unto the world. It was never resurrected.
A brave reporter for Mashable tried the Creme Mayonegg and didn’t vomit!
There are many reasons for putting mayonnaise in a syringe, they do it all the time at the Mayo Clinic, but putting a syringe in mayonnaise is not just unsafe, it’s plain cuckoo. Thankfully, that’s not exactly what happened, though you wouldn’t know that if you get your news from WLNS in Lansing, Michigan. See if you can spot the great injustice…
Michigan police investigate syringe found in mayonnaise:
On Monday evening a woman bought a jar of Miracle Whip mayonnaise at the Dollar General in Brooklyn and then removed the seal before placing it in the fridge. Later her husband found a syringe pushed down into the middle of the jar.
I don’t know how many times I have to say this but… Miracle Whip IS NOT MAYONNAISE!
To call that vile sour salad cream condiment abomination mayonnaise is an insult to mayonnaises everywhere. Miracle Whip is a sauce condiment that was developed by the Kraft Conglomerate as a less expensive, and much less delicious, alternative to mayonnaise in 1933.
The headline should not even invoke the name mayonnaise! This is a total smear campaign! Here is the correction I sent to WLNS in Lansing.
Grease Tragedy in Missouri as 40,000 pounds of mayonnaise spilled out and slathered all over the interstate in the worst mayonnaise disaster in our nation’s history. No one was injured in the accident though if anyone had been they likely would have been taken to the Mayo Clinic for treatment. Authorities closed down eastbound lanes of traffic for several hours so that work crews could clean up the mayonnaise slick. The interstate was “coated” in mayonnaise. The driver said walking on mayonnaise was like walking on ice. Fox News also covered the widespread white spread genocide, most likely mistaking it for a Klan rally.
Discuss this national tragedy on r/offbeat.
This latest incident surpasses last year’s mayonnaise disaster when 400-500 jars of mayonnaise spilled out onto a Kansas highway, and last September’s mayonnaise spill in Japan that caused an eight car pileup combined.
These are only your everyday run-of-the-mill mayonnaise accidents, mind you. One of the worst acts of mayonnaise terrorism in recent history happened just last summer when Joy L. Cassidy of Boise, Idaho, went on an condiment crime spree. The 74-year-old mayonnaise extremist poured mayonnaise in the Ada County library’s book drop box on at least a dozen different occasions between May 2009 and July 2010. She recently pleaded guilty to her mayonnaise vandalism.
So, how can future mayonnaise disasters be prevented? If we look to history the answer is obvious: We must place blame and subsequently invade something. But what?
Holland has the largest mayonnaise reserves in the world. The price of mayonnaise has already soared above one hundred dollars a barrel. Within hours we’ll start to see this increase reflected in the cost of everyday necessities like potato salad, ranch dressing, lubricant, and building insulation. Mayonnaise is key to America’s prosperity and continued longevity. We need mayonnaise. Of course we’ll have to come up with an invasion justification other than mayonnaise if we want the public’s support. I can already hear the those liberal hippie protesters chanting, “No blood for mayonnaise! No blood for mayonnaise!”
Mayonnaise Disaster Survival Tips
If you’re submerged in mayonnaise, don’t panic. Mayonnaise can taste your fear. It’s not easy to emerge from mayonnaise, most likely you’re going to be absorbed and become one with the mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is not so different from a Non-Newtonian fluid like colloid hydrogel (quicksand), it’s high viscosity is relentless, suffocating; it’s suction greedy, unforgiving. The only way to escape is to eat — or rather slurp — your way out. And as far as screaming goes, that’s merely an exercise in futility.
In mayonnaise no one can hear you scream.
Wildlife rescue workers in Florida have discovered that a common sandwich ingredient is perfect for cleaning toxic crude from the skin of oiled sea turtles. Can you guess which one? It’s not mustard. Not salsa. I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with mayonnaise!
As most of you know, I’m a manic mayonnaise enthusiast and a staunch advocate of the life-saving power of mayonnaise. Mayonnaise saved the lives of Jewish children from the Nazis during World War II. Now mayonnaise is being used to save the lives of hundreds of gulf sea turtles from a crude black death. Beth Buczynski over at Crisp Green will tell you all about it: Common Condiment Helps Save Gulf Sea Turtles.
Mayonnaise: Is there anything it can’t do?
