What’s that sound? Mayonnaise!

Q: Why would this seemingly normal family slather mayonnaise all over their heads?
A: Head Lice!

Mayonnaise is a safer (and healthier) alternative to standard lice treatments that contain chemicals and poisons. With mayonnaise, there’s no reason to rub toxic pesticides all over your child’s heads. Plus, there’s an added bonus: Mayonnaise is good for your hair, so when the mayonnaise treatment is all over, your child’s hair will be sleek and shiny and soft.

How does it work?

Mayonnaise suffocates the living head lice. However, mayonnaise does not take care of the unhatched lice safe in their nits (eggs), which get attached to human hair. As a natural lubricant, mayonnaise makes the process of combing out the nits easy. After eradicating the live lice with mayonnaise, comb out the nits with a lice comb. This “nit-picking” is crucial to prevent the remaining lice and nits from reproducing, otherwise the nits will hatch in a matter of days and you’ll have another full-on head lice invasion.

Now, some researchers contend that mayonnaise won’t actually kill head lice, but rather only stun the parasites for a few hours, leaving them dormant due to lack of oxygen, thus appearing to be dead. But don’t rule out mayonnaise just yet. Mayonnaise treatment still makes the live lice much easier to comb out (and it’s still a much safer alternative). Either way, the combing-out process is crucial to completely rid your child’s head of those pesky, blood-thirsty parasites.

Of course, this process can involve a LOT of mayonnaise, depending on how long and thick the hair is, so make sure you always have plenty of mayonnaise in stock. And for goodness’ sake, please make sure your child can contain their desire to eat the mayonnaise in their hair. Mayonnaise will turn rancid after a few hours, and once it’s rancid, the mayonnaise itself is not safe to consume!

For more information about treating head lice with mayonnaise, check out Lifehacker and Healthline.

The Worst Mayonnaise Disaster in Our Nation’s History

Grease Tragedy in Missouri as 40,000 pounds of mayonnaise spilled out and slathered all over the interstate in the worst mayonnaise disaster in our nation’s history.  No one was injured in the accident though if anyone had been they likely would have been taken to the Mayo Clinic for treatment.  Authorities closed down eastbound lanes of traffic for several hours so that work crews could clean up the mayonnaise slick. The interstate was “coated” in mayonnaise. The driver said walking on mayonnaise was like walking on ice. Fox News also covered the widespread white spread genocide, most likely mistaking it for a Klan rally.

Discuss this national tragedy on r/offbeat.

This latest incident surpasses last year’s mayonnaise disaster when 400-500 jars of mayonnaise spilled out onto a Kansas highway, and last September’s mayonnaise spill in Japan that caused an eight car pileup combined.

These are only your everyday run-of-the-mill mayonnaise accidents, mind you. One of the worst acts of mayonnaise terrorism in recent history happened just last summer when Joy L. Cassidy of Boise, Idaho, went on an condiment crime spree. The 74-year-old mayonnaise extremist poured mayonnaise in the Ada County library’s book drop box on at least a dozen different occasions between May 2009 and July 2010. She recently pleaded guilty to her mayonnaise vandalism.

So, how can future mayonnaise disasters be prevented?  If we look to history the answer is obvious: We must place blame and subsequently invade something.  But what?

Holland has the largest mayonnaise reserves in the world. The price of mayonnaise has already soared above one hundred dollars a barrel. Within hours we’ll start to see this increase reflected in the cost of everyday necessities like potato salad, ranch dressing, lubricant, and building insulation. Mayonnaise is key to America’s prosperity and continued longevity. We need mayonnaise. Of course we’ll have to come up with an invasion justification other than mayonnaise if we want the public’s support. I can already hear the those liberal hippie protesters chanting, “No blood for mayonnaise! No blood for mayonnaise!”

Mayonnaise Disaster Survival Tips
If you’re submerged in mayonnaise, don’t panic.  Mayonnaise can taste your fear.  It’s not easy to emerge from mayonnaise, most likely you’re going to be absorbed and become one with the mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is not so different from a Non-Newtonian fluid like colloid hydrogel (quicksand), it’s high viscosity is relentless, suffocating; it’s suction greedy, unforgiving. The only way to escape is to eat — or rather slurp — your way out. And as far as screaming goes, that’s merely an exercise in futility.  

In mayonnaise no one can hear you scream.

Erotic Mayonnaise

I don’t normally post pornography here but I’m going to make an exception just this once. After all, mayonnaise is involved, and when mayonnaise is involved, it’s perfectly natural.

Ahh, to be young again. I remember the first time I saw a jar of mayonnaise just sitting there, waiting to be snatched and opened up. It was at the Piggly Wiggly. And I was buy-curious.

Mayonnaise Saves Sea Turtles

Wildlife rescue workers in Florida have discovered that a common sandwich ingredient is perfect for cleaning toxic crude from the skin of oiled sea turtles. Can you guess which one? It’s not mustard. Not salsa. I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with mayonnaise!

As most of you know, I’m a manic mayonnaise enthusiast and a staunch advocate of the life-saving power of mayonnaise. Mayonnaise saved the lives of Jewish children from the Nazis during World War II. Now mayonnaise is being used to save the lives of hundreds of gulf sea turtles from a crude black death. Beth Buczynski over at Crisp Green will tell you all about it: Common Condiment Helps Save Gulf Sea Turtles.

Mayonnaise: Is there anything it can’t do?

Hump Day

Oh boy! The emailman just delivered my very first correspondence!

Dear Grandpa Wiggly,

Why does my mommy call Wednesdays hump day?

Portland, Oregon

Well Jessie, your mommy likely calls Wednesday “hump day” because Wednesday is the middle of the week. Assuming your mum works the traditional Monday through Friday, Wednesday is the hump in the workweek. Once Wednesday has come and gone, you are over the hump and the rest of the week is downhill. Wheeeeee!

Now of course Wednesday is only considered hump day if you look at your week from the five-day workweek perspective. In a seven-day week that begins with Monday, Thursday would technically be the hump. Wednesday would be the hump in a seven-day week that begins with the Sabbath. I should probably specify the Christian Sabbath, Sunday. Friday evening to Saturday evening is the Jewish Sabbath, which I guess would make Saturday night to Sunday night their Monday, and Tuesday night to Wednesday night their hump day. Unless they round up, which would make… This is too confusing. I should have just said Sunday instead of Sabbath and been done with it.

Mondays are just Mondays. Everybody hates Mondays! Unless of course your Mondays are part of your weekend. Sunday is Grandpa Wiggly’s Friday so that makes Monday and Tuesday my weekend. Mondays are so terrible that many businesses are closed. Hitler was born on a Monday, which back then they called Saturday in Austria–Hungary. Monday is usually when I make mayonnaise for the week, that’s why I call it Mayonnaise Monday! (Did you know mayonnaise saved children from the Nazis? It’s true!)

My ill-tempered, one-armed wife, currently sleeping on the sofa covered in cats, Effie, disagrees with the official Wiggly Calendar. Then again, her week consists of twice as many days on account of her bitterness and cattiness about everything and nothing. She follows the cat calendar, and I don’t mean those 16-month calendars of cuddly cute cat pictures that are sold in the mall around Christmas. I mean the feline calendar.

One cat year is equivalent to fifteen (!) human years. Once you factor in that cats have nine lives, I can’t even begin to fathom when cat hump day falls. That sounds like a task for Math. Or cats. Or a wizard!

For yours wiggly, Wednesday is the first day of my week because, as all of you know grandchildren know, Wednesday is Wiggly Wednesday. That makes Saturday Grandpa Wiggly’s hump day, which makes today, Tuesday, my Sunday.

So, Jessie, now you know why your mum calls Wednesday “hump day.” If I’m wrong and there happens to be another reason, I think that’s a conversation best left between the two of you. Thanks for writing!